Who Are You Today ???

3 Jan

Who are you today ???

Every morning as I wait freezing my behind off on the platform of the train heading to work – aka The Plantation -, I stare at these words that someone has spray painted in huge letters on the bike trail below. And everyday it appears to me that they have been repainted over and over again so they stare at me brighter and brighter, coaxing an answer out of me.

And I never have one.

So this year, dammit, Im gonna find an answer. And I accept the fact that the answer could change from day to day because I am ever changing, ever evolving and Im excited to see what Im going to become. I know what I don’t want to be and where I dont want to be but the path out of that place is not always exactly clear. Im hacking through some underbrush, meeting some guides and learning to just sit still in it and let some answers come to me. I know I am sitting on a precipice of many changes:

Literally any minute now I should be getting the official phone call that will offer me a new job and get me out of this hell Ive been in for the las two years.

This year my baby, The Bean, turns 18 and is going to…do something I suppose. Graduating from high school and heading to college would be my preference but it has been a rough year and that may not happen the way I want it to ( Oh the posts to follow on all that….). But whatever happens, my life will become a little more of my own, something it never has been since….well ever really. I had her at 18 but had been playing parent to my parent for years before that.

Chelle and I are starting the insane process of planning a wedding. A wedding with zip zero zilch of a budget and many questions surrounding what family members will come and give us their blessings. Basically will love conquer homophobia ?? Luckily, we have both made peace with the family issues a long time ago and have amazing friends who are like family and nothing will spoil that day…as soon as I figure out what day that is.  So far all we know is what song Im walking down the aisle to and who Im meeting when I get there. Everything else is up in the air. Terribly exciting and terribly scary at the same time.

Theres a lot going on. A lot I need to resolve. A lot I want to do. A lot I want to get rid of. But Im feeling strangely optimistic about this year for a few reasons. First of all, Im going into this year knowing its gonna be some HARD WORK Y’ALL !! Which is very different from most years where I wake up January 1 – or at least sober up by the 3rd – and say I want to make all these big life changes and expect poof !! its gonna happen because I thought it up. And I’ve also found some amazing people on the interwebs. I mean AMAZING. Im gonna at some point figure out how to do proper linking on here but in the mean time, if you happen to be on the Twitter, get to know my friends @guiltysquid and @mommywantsvodka. These two rock stars, whose faces I have never seen, have been lights on some dark dark roads and they probably dont even know it. They also happen to be the lifesavers behind http://www.bandbacktogether.com . If you ever felt alone, or scared or ashamed or confused or just batshit nuts, you need to head on over to the band. There is lifesaving stuff going on over there everyday. ( not to mention Im feeling like FUCKING EINSTEIN because I figured out how to get that button over there up, so click it !!!)

So welcome to this little space o’mine.  I cant make any promises except there will be cursing, there will be incoherence and there will probably be some pretty NOT PC shit going on over here. Sometimes it will be kinda funny, sometimes whiny and sometimes senseless. But its all on the road to figuring out Who I Am Today. I can promise you it will be a helluva ride.

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